stood up for ecstasy

Hey, haven't had the time/interest to update in a couple weeks- everything and nothing has happened. I snuck out and stayed at my friends house while my parents were at the hospital for my mom's surgery overnight, and yesterday snuck back in the house after pretending to leave for school and stayed in my room reading and watching movies the whole day (I'm cutting gym while writing this but honestly who cares). Oh, and today I was supposed to have a kinda-maybe-coffe-date with my friend E, with whom i agreed to try going out with last week (but I don't think it's gonna work), and I waited for half an hour reading about the
Armenian genocide until I finally accepted that she stood me up. With our pretty long and twisted history, that's one of the last chances she has, if it happens again I'm through with her- other than L, she's the one person in the world who has hurt me the most (and that's above my family which is saying something). She's always telling me how much she loves me and how I'm the most important person in the world to her, but (and this is a total cliche I knnow i know) drugs are more important- her descent into being some tragic fucked up anti-heroine takes precedent over everything else. I broke my promise to her today and talked about her to our mutual friend T (even though E says that that friend group means nothing to her anymore and she doesn't trust any of them), who confirmed that she's not been showing up and smoking even more than usual, along with other stuff. I'm pretty sure that she didn't show up this morning because she was buying ecstasy from this shady guy- she's starting to owe him money though, me and T talked about how we hope she goes broke from buying so much that she can finally stop and pull her shit together to do drugs responsibly like everybody else. I'm sympathetic but getting pretty fucking tired of this stuff, and am not comfortable being her only source of support. I kinda love her though, but I'll put that aside if she keeps doing this. Fuck.

On the upside I'm supposed to be going to a community group for queer teen girls tomorrow!! Which i'm anticipating as being freaking awesome (the organization LYRIC also does queer teen dances and stuff, one of which I"m going to this friday). Okay I've got an actual class next, read me soon!

a very anticipated weekend!!

This week feels like it has gone on forever- literally, it was only half way through tuesday that I realized it wasn't friday. But finally, it's over- I can't stress (ha) how stressful and upsetting it's been. And the thing is, the things that have happened aren't even that big or important. They're just lots of little things, all piling up until I'm completely overwhelmed by the dumbest shit imaginable- a grade from last semester I told my parents i'd change, people looking at me weird (especially in the locker room- hmm, I wonder why? Get over yourselves, self-obssessed straight girls -not nearly all of you, i know!-), fundraising for a service trip to Nicaragua this break, insane chem lab report to write that i haven't started. I guess it's because most of the time I just live in the moment and experience life as it happens without preparing much for the future. Maybe cuz that's what growing up is about: not being able to just float free through life, actually doing the soul-killing, mindless work that ends up being important somehow for some reason down the line. I'm just pretty behind everybody else, I think, like I always have been. So I think ima try and start fitting myself in the machine more so I don't end up just tossed aside, like a useless lug or something (that's a machine part, right? not too technically-inclined here haha), but staying absolutely me.
Okay I set the title already cuz I originally just planned on writing about what's coming up. So lets talk about this weekend!!
I'm a part of an awesome internship that I'll fully explain some other time (it has to do with environmental education in the bay area), but anyway we're having our midyear retreat this long weekend on saturday and sunday! We'll be staying overnight in cabins on some pretty nature beach campus, and just having a really goofy fun time. I love these people so much- this year would have been unbearable without them, we've just all grown so close over the thursday evenings and monthly saturdays we've spent together. So the midyear retreat will be the perfect time to let myself go, and know that I'm around people whose company i love, and who (most of the time) love me in return, which is pretty unusual and lovely.  It'll just be awesome. Until I get back and have to write a lab report/spanish autobiography/ap world notes+essay outline/global technology model (i got anesthesia- like wtf!?), which might be a bit miserable. But otherwise, the next two days will be fucking fantastic.

a few of us thursday interns doing the high school musical jump in front of the sunset (after me and megan fell down a hill piggybacking and so we're scratched and crying- the two on the right)